Cure for my toothache

While waiting for a cavity to "settle down" I need to keep my hands busy. So tonight I made banana bread and a batch of chocolate chip and coconut cookies. 

Luckily, I've figured out the right combination of drugs so that I can actually eat these bad boys!

Chococonut cookies

Recruited

Yesterday Chris, his brother Josh, and I went ice skating. I had newly sharpened skates and was eager to see if I could keep up with Chris. It was a warm afternoon and perfect for being out and about.
We stepped onto the ice and pushed off. The ice was hard but it was deeply rutted and bumpy from the recent warm weather. Testing my speed would have to wait because staying off my butt was going to be today's challenge.
I wobbled over to the far edge of the rink separating myself from Chris and Josh who immediately began to try to push each other over and turned to find a young girl approaching me on foot. Danger, Will Robinson!
Eagerly she asked "Can I ask you where you're from?"  She was sweet and with skates on I towered over her. Even without skates I would have towered over her.
I told her I was born in Korea and she replied "North or South?" I clarified that I was adopted from South Korea, and she smiled wide and I noticed her mouth full of braces. I have a soft spot for kids with braces.
We chatted for a few minutes about being adopted: she had a younger sibling also adopted, lived in the suburbs and also disliked when people asked 'Do you want to find your real mom?' She impressed me, I don't think I ever approached anyone, or would had the guts to approach anyone like that.
Then she stopped and asked seriously "Can I ask you a personal question?" Red flags! She had already asked me if I was going to have kids, what could be more personal than that?
"Do you believe in Jesus Chris our savior?"  Oh, Je-sus. What do you say to a 13 year old when they ask you that? A 13 year old stranger no less? Smile frozen on my face, brain reeling- and you know how fast my brain works (it doesn't)- she went on to clarify "More specifically, where do you think you'll go when you die?"  Sheesh, kid!
I tried to focus on the young girl and said something vague "You know, I'm like a lot of people, and am still on my journey to figure out what I believe."  It was hard to continue smiling kindly.
Her smile got bigger and she puffed up a little, it reminded me of the smart kids at school when the teacher called on a kid who didn't have the right answer; the smart kids would get that smile and sit up a little straighter pushing their hand a little higher in the air. I knew what she wanted; she wanted me to ask her "Do you believe in Jesus?"
"Yes," she replied beaming, "my life has improved so much since I accepted Jesus into my heart and have celebrated his glory through music when I play the piano." 
"You play the piano? I played the clarinet. And messed around on the flute and saxophone too" I needed an exit strategy, this could go on awhile and Chris and Josh were nowhere to be seen.
"Hey it was really nice to meet you, but I should let you get back to your friends, or are you here with your family?" I stuck out my hand, "what was your name?"  She was here with friends, her name was Hannah and she had a firm handshake. "It was nice talking to you Hannah!"
"You too! Have fun skating!" She scurried off to her friends and I reflected on this experience as I wobbled off to find Chris and Josh. Would Hanna's belief in Jesus sustain her through adolescence? And into her 20's? If I met her again in 15 years what would we talk about? Would my life be different if I did truly believe in Jesus? 
I tried believing in Jesus and God and the Bible when I was her age and I tried to believe all the way through high school. But believing never calmed me, relieved me, or fulfilled me. I had too many questions and the answers that came back never resonated with me.
I remember the day I stopped trying to believe for good. My friend Jennie Lynn and I had a day off and were heading to Duluth (from Ely) to see Lake Superior. We were heading south on highway 2 through a beautiful stretch of north woods forest. I think we even stopped so that Jennie Lynn could take a picture. I didn't take a picture, but I remember the dappled sunlight coming through the trees and the whole forest floor seemed to glow with life.
It was in that moment that I knew what I believed in and still believe in. When I need comfort and need answers I find them in that memory of the forest, or in the wide cold water of Lake Superior or the towering Rocky Mountains... We are born. We do the best we can: we use only what we need and we give back when we can.  Then we die: returning to the earth so that others can live, love and explore. It's simplistic but this comforts me, this belief strengthens me and resonates in me like no other religious belief system has.
As I sit here processing this experience with Hannah, I'm glad I wished her "good luck" as we departed. Growing up is hard, figuring out who you are and feeling comfortable in your own skin is a life long journey.

Waiting for a train...

So one of the things I want to blog about is what Chris's upcoming deployment is like on the home front. (That's what military-types call it.) I never imagined I'd be a military wife... so all of this continues to be a bit bizarre for me.
Chris and I started dating in September of 2007.  A couple of months later in November he signed a contract and re-joined the Minnesota National Guard. He was very sweet and asked me and his best friend Mike what we thought about this decision. We were both very supportive, and I remember saying "We just met, you have to do what you have to do and we'll figure 'us' out."
I never regretted saying that and I support him 100%.  For the last couple of years we've known that he'd be deploying. It wasn't until late last year that we got a better sense of the timing: Spring 2012.
Ready or not, the train that I've been calling deployment is barreling down the tracks at us. Chris said he only had about a week's notice before his first deployment at the beginning of the Iraq War. So, I'm trying to feel lucky and grateful to have had so much time to prepare.  I've used that time to try and be thoughtful about what I need to feel "prepared":
* Finding or creating a support network of wives and significant others from his unit.
* Time to craft a message for my friends, co-workers and families: this is how you can support me.
* A "manual" about everything there is to know about running our house. Everything from changing furnace filters, contact info for mortgage and household account numbers all in one (secure) place.
When it comes to any new project or vacation I typically feel the need to plan. I'm the planner with the lists and the itineraries. Chris throws things in a bag 10 minutes before we're supposed to leave.
Chris has started to pull together the details for our manual and is plowing through my list of "honey-do" projects; tonight I realized that it must be "10 minutes" before departure and I hear that whistle blowing loud and clear.